It saddened me to hear of yet another senseless death this weekend, caused by (at the physical level) a punch to the head resulting in impact with the ground and serious injury leading to the loss of another life (this young man has passed away from his injuries).
I have written and spoken about this subject several times so won't rehash the same opinions except to say that this is so common as to be a real concern. I was speaking to one of our senior members, a very experienced Police Officer, this weekend about the event and his comment was "it's just all the time, it's so common". After 20 years in this industry I certainly agree, we see this all of the time, sometimes resulting in serious injury, sometimes resulting in death.
Obviously, Protect training helps you to avoid these situations happening to you or your loved ones through increased ability to recognise, avoid, de-escalate, or physically respond to violence to keep safe, but what about looking at this from a different angle for a moment..?
I wrote a magazine article recently (Read it HERE) regarding some of the downsides to be aware of when punching to the head is trained as a primary response. One of those considerations is the potential damage to your opponent which may have unintended (as well as un-justified) consequences.
I know a man, a good human being with a good heart, who killed a man. He did not intend to do this, he was placed in a situation where he was legally, morally, and ethically justified in defending himself against a violent assault, so he did. Unfortunately though his only "self defence" (what he had been told/sold was "self defence") training was in boxing and kickboxing (two great combat sports and he was great at them both). His response, having no ability to de-escalate at all (he himself says that it could have very likely been diffused had he been given those skills instead of a purely physical option only) was to unleash a flurry of punches, one of which knocked the person unconscious, resulting in his head smashing into the pavement when he fell. And he died.
To give the story above some context, this was not some predatory criminal. It was a classic 'ego-based' situation in the courtyard of a pub, which could very likely have been de-escalated. It started when this guy accidently stepped back, bumping the other guy and spilling his drink on him. The offender, protecting his ego, went through all of the usual 'Pre-Contact' behaviour and then shoved the other guy and cocked his fist ready to punch him. Does that sound like a justifiable reason to use force to protect oneself, yes. But does it sound like a justifiable reason to take this guy off the planet? To take a son from his parents? A father from his kids? A spouse from his partner? You can answer that one. But that is exactly what happened. Why? Because that is what he had been trained to do. It is not what he intended, not for a moment, but remember, whatever goes "on the disk" is what's coming off the disk. We don't rise to the occasion in a violent encounter, we sink to the level of our training. In this case he did a great job of doing what he had been trained to do. The unfortunate reality is that his training was grossly flawed. And it cost him dearly (it cost the other guy and his loved ones more). I will not go into details of the consequences caused to this guy by this situation except to say that they were all negative. The consequences to violence always are.
At Protect we are very aware, when we train the physical aspects of self-defence, to consider the potential outcomes of our actions at a legal, moral, and ethical level. But we are the vast exception to the norm, and that is very unfortunate and will be the undoing of many people. There are times when an extreme level of force is necessary, justified, and reasonable. But real self-protection training in our opinion had better equip the trainee with the ability to know the difference and have the right "toolbox" to be able to adjust the level of force to suit the situation. That decision-making process needs to be made under the stress and pressure of the situation which requires a very specific way of training, which is vital to what we do at Protect.
We have even evolved many of the physical strategies that we teach and train in to have the ability to achieve the intended level of damage to the opponent, while at the same time keeping them as safe as possible from unintended consequences. This is work in progress but it is something we consider to be showing the highest level of responsibility to the people we train.
I encourage all of our instructors, trainers, and clients to challenge the status quo, to ask questions, to think for themselves and to look outside the box. That is how Protect has evolved. I encourage you to do the same. If you are training in any form of martial art, combatives, or anything else stating to teach you "self defence", stop and ask yourself if it adequately covers the legal, moral, and ethical consequences and considerations of what you are learning. If it doesn't, you may have a very big problem and it may be time to start asking some serious questions. Remember that you need to be very careful what you practise as you may become VERY good at doing the wrong thing.
This is just food for thought as always.
Cheers
Phil
Sunday, November 3, 2013
"Hello. You don't know me..." (Trigger Warning)
*TRIGGER WARNING*
The below, from 'Safe For Life' is a quick look into one example of the mind of a predator. It is NOT intended to create un-warranted fear or to be a scare tactic, it is simply study material to help us understand the mindset of the enemy and help overcome the apathy mentality. This is just one example, each situation is different, but it is all interesting and can add value to your safety and awareness. At Protect we have worked with dozens of people who are/have been the target of 'Stalking' situations, from CEO's and celebrities, to everyday women (and several men) of all ages. Although the vast majority of the offenders are known to the targeted person, the below is one example of a look into the mind of an offender not directly known to the target.
At Protect we have a saying: "Although someone else may choose you as a target, you decide whether you become a victim or not".
*TRIGGER WARNING*
Hello. You don't know me and you never will, but I know you. I've been watching you.
I've studied your habits and I will make myself known to you…when I see fit. I've
bumped into you at the local supermarket. By the way, you and I share the same taste in
cuisine. It's too bad you're too stuck up and could never see yourself having a romantic
dinner with the likes of me. On the day we meet, you may, however, change your mind. I
know you're intelligent; I'm aware of the books you read. Sometimes I've even read
parts of your book with you. I love to read over your shoulder. I can smell your hair.
We connected once. Remember when you felt uncomfortable for a moment? It was
during your lunch hour break and you were reading beside your favourite tree. I was
there, and you looked confused. I laughed. You prefer the shade there when the sun
seems too strong. When you leave your house at 7:00 am, I am there watching you. I see
you wave to your neighbour as the two of you seem to leave your driveways at the same
time to start your workdays. I don't like him. That's ok though, I'll take care of him. I
know your outfits and I know how you try to accessorize to make it seem like you have
more than you actually own. I can almost tell, based on the weather as to what outfit
you'll pick out for the day. I prefer when you have your hair out as opposed to when you
tie it up on the weekends. I like the changes you made to your bedroom and kitchen. It
certainly is a lot brighter in there. More room in the bedroom closet I've noticed, that's
nice. I walked behind you today as you went window-shopping. You left your purse open, right after you bought the vanilla ice cream. I know how sensitive
the backs of the movies. It's ok for now but soon you won't be able to think of
anyone or anything but ME. I will posses every thought you will have. Every emotion
will be with ME in mind. Everyone you see will remind you of ME. Why? Because,
that's the way it should be and so it will become. You will answer to me and don't think
for a moment that your boyfriend scares me. I know the car he drives. I sometimes sit in
it for kicks and watch the both of you through your living room windows when he visits
you. I can take away his brakes if I want, what does he suspect, it's a new car and he
drives way too fast. He might hurt someone with his sloppy driving skills. I could do
everyone a favour and get rid of him. Would you prefer I do it by pills? He trusts me you
know. I've been a baker to him and I could be his next pharmacist. You make me laugh.
I know you know I'm watching. Your silly little schoolyard prank of trying to make me
jealous just doesn't work you stupid bitch! Have a good night's sleep, maybe I'll see you
tomorrow and maybe I'll come up into your bedroom and tuck you in for the evening.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
What can we, as parents and caregivers, do?
The best
thing we can do as parents or caregivers to keep our kids safe from predators,
as ugly as it might seem, is acknowledge these three unpleasant truths:
1. You do not get to choose who a
predator targets; it is the predator who chooses who they target.
2. The first person who experiences any
evidence or sees any indication that a child is becoming the target of a
predator is the child themselves.
3. Every child will be “assessed” or
“scoped” by a predator at some stage.
These are
massive statements, so let me be very clear what we know as fact about the
above statements.
We know, to
protect our children, it’s vitally important that we understand these elements.
But as illustrated by a parent talking to me recently - who has been discussing
this very issue with other parents - she candidly shared with me that about
half of the parents she had talked to about this issue shut her down straight
away and made it clear that they didn’t want to talk about it. The other half
were open to talk about it. It spooks me that we all aren’t open to talk about
it. I feel it’s an important step in building the defence of our kids.
We know
that not talking about a problem and taking steps to stop a problem are two
different things.
So let’s reword these 3 initial statements to add clarity.
The first, though it needs no further explanation, is not
something we tend to think about – we are good caregivers and we are alert and
keep out senses honed for all dangers
to our kids. We make sure that they are safe all the time. Gosh, we don’t even
start driving the car until all the seatbelts are on. And that’s good and safe.
But this is different. This is not about how safe we are
being, this is about something we don’t have direct control over. We have
control over how safely we drive, we don’t have control over how safely others
drive. We’d choose our children not to be targeted by predators, but it’s not
our choice. So when a parent thinks or expresses “stuff like this happens to
other kids” – I wonder: Are you saying that as a parent or a predator? Because
as a parent, that statement is worthless and dangerous at best.
Which leads into the second point: As much as we want to protect
our kids, this danger of a predator has the added disadvantage to us of not
being able to see the danger at all - as it is purposely being hidden. Why
would the predator risk raising any alarm? You know they don’t and won’t, so there’s nothing – no act nor clue
that would be in your presence, so obviously it is the child who first
experiences what will likely be some grooming or vetting questions or
manipulative ploys or lures.
Because we don’t know who the predators are until they are
caught (and they are only caught after they do something – how much does that
suck!) then they are free in our society until then. Some are caught early,
some are caught late – meaning perhaps after years and after they have
assaulted and abused many many kids.
Your kids won’t by chance find stumble across a predator;
no, it is the predator looking for our kids. They will put themselves in
positions where they will meet many kids and they will be assessing and vetting
all who come in contact with them.
Ok, I know things sound bleak and negative, but the world we
live in has not changed since you started reading this blog. It’s exactly the
same. And the predators that existed at the start of this blog exist now. It’s
that we might be more aware of a horrible issue and some truths that live in
that issue that we’d prefer not to know.
So let’s talk solutions now. You understand this: What has
been discussed above are elements of privacy: The predator needs two things;
they need privacy, and they need control. They will establish privacy –
you know this; you know that they
will assess, choose and approach our kids under the cloak of privacy. Privacy
is something that the predator has direct influence over – and we’ve discussed
the elements of privacy. But not Control.
Control is where we can wage our defence – making sure that
the control stays with the child – that they understand and appreciate and know
that they can defend their absolute and
sovereign right to decide what they want to do. To decide what’s wrong and
what’s right and unwaveringly express and stick to their decision – and they
can unleash whatever they want if they feel that they need to. This means that
they are what we call a “hard target”. They are not impossible to control, but
most importantly, they are now too difficult and too risky to control for the
predator.
Teaching our kids about what we in Protect define as Control
- the decision a child owns and what they can do to enforce them - decreases
the balance of probability our kids are even targeted.
We teach
our kids because it’s the repercussions that are unthinkable – but this
strategy can’t be done if it’s chosen that; the risk itself, that the existence
of predators and that it is our kids that might be targeted, is unthinkable.
Darcy Mellsop
Protect Self Defence NZ
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
What are YOU looking at ?
Article from Waikato Times - 8/4/2013 Original Article HERE
Alistair Bone talks to experts about what to do if you are male and are confronted by another drunk male.
The aftermath of the attack on Jesse Ryder, if that's what it turns out to be, is still playing out in the courts. Police initially said that it was not alcohol related, which seems strange on the face of it, as it happened after midnight outside a bar where everyone involved had been a few moments before.
Notwithstanding police perceptions, it's undeniable that drunken assaults happen often, and often to innocent parties. There is a large amount of resources available to women on how to stay safe when out at night, but not so many for guys, who are usually attacked under a completely different set of circumstances.
John Oetzel is a professor at Waikato University's school of management. His job is teaching people how to deal with difficult conversations, usually in an office setting, but he also has a few tips for men who come face to face with an aggressive drunk. Phil Thompson runs Protect Self Defence and is regularly on TV telling people how to be safe.
Thompson believes most situations can be avoided. Alert people can see trouble coming a mile off. "There are a bunch of pre-contact indicators. For instance, in almost every situation, we get what you call the ‘hard stare' from someone who wants problems. The guy might be standing there, drinking and talking to his mates, and you'll see him turn and look, and look back to his beer, and then very quickly come back to you and hold that stare in place. He is now fixated on you. If it's going to be a group attack, there is usually then some group communication with the people he's with. Then there'll be a group hard stare."
Oetzel says it is easy to innocently provoke drunken violence with a look of your own. Where he grew up, in Albuquerque, New Mexico, there was a strong Hispanic and Latino influence with macho rules around eye contact. "We called staring ‘mad-dogging'. The rule was never to make sustained eye contact with other guys if you didn't want to fight. You made it briefly and then looked away."
He also says to be wary of a drunk person within your group. "You can see a drunk person escalating conflict and if you're friendly with them, you're not going to be the one they go after. But look for snide remarks from someone you don't know very well."
Thompson says the way the attackers then start acting can be telling. "As they're walking toward you, very often it will be accompanied by what we call a ‘head on a swivel'. They're looking around to see who's around and what the situation is. Usually people who are aggressive will come up on their toes and hold their weight high. They will puff out to get the basketball-under-the-arm look."
The really clever ones get out of the joint right away. But sometimes you are cornered. Oetzel says the first thing you need to confront is yourself. "It is critical that you remain calm. You can do that with deep breathing or internal self-talk: telling yourself that everything's going to be OK and you are going to walk away."
Tone of voice, he believes, is crucial. "If you raise your voice, the other person is going to continue to escalate. They are still going to continue to escalate anyway, but it will be worse if you don't remain calm and use a slow, calm voice." Smiling can be misinterpreted as smugness. "Some people can get out of it because they are very charismatic and start joking, but that can also backfire pretty easy, too."
The rules of the conversation are different with a drunk, says Oetzel. "In normal situations, a lot of what we do is around getting the other person to give you respect. But trying to convince a drunk at a bar, who's trying to pick a fight, that you're worthy of respect isn't going to work. You don't argue, you don't disagree with them, you don't tell them they're wrong, you don't try to convince them why you're right. When you have someone who's famous, sometimes people will approach them and the whole goal will be to cut them down, physically or emotionally."
The next bit can be the hardest part, especially for young Kiwi blokes out on the razz. "Accept the put-downs," says Oetzel. "If they're going to call you names, just say, yup. Give them the emotional victory and avoid violence. The idea of losing a little pride in that situation and avoiding physical violence may be hard to accept, but you're not dealing with a rational person."
Thompson, who also teaches physical self-defence and can easily look after himself if he has to, agrees. "I tell all the alpha male types on my course that it's OK to walk away. It's not about becoming a victim, it's about empowering yourself and not being a slave to your emotions, like most people are."
Thompson divides aggression into two classes. The predatory, criminal type and the more common ego-driven type usually found in pubs. The goal when dealing with the ego type is to let the other guy escape with his ego intact.
There are four basic rules. He says the first is to not challenge the person. "Returning abuse is wrong. You have to be unchallenging in what you say and with your body language. As soon as you challenge them, they can't walk away."
You can't threaten them, either. "Either overtly, if you are angry - get the hell away from me - or even by threatening to call the police."
The next rule goes against what some others teach. "You can't command them or tell them what to do. ‘Back off, get away.' " Thompson says this is OK and effective when dealing with a criminal, predatory attacker, but won't work with someone driven by ego. "You see this in a domestic situation where people are having an argument and one person tells the other to calm down. That never, ever works."
Accepting a command would damage the ego. "Better would be: Listen mate, I didn't come here for any issues with you, I really want to solve this problem, but for us to do that we both need to be calm. I'm not telling him to calm down, I'm saying it's really important that we are both calm, giving the illusion that we both have the same problem. Then you can start a dialogue."
Implying that the drunk is wrong is also a mistake. Thompson says if someone uses the time-tested approach of "you were staring at me/my missus", you have to be able to tell them they were right, but for a different reason. Thompson recently apologised to an aggressive drunk and told him that he was just tired and staring into space. The guy backed off saying, "OK, but don't f...ing look at me again." Thompson says this is the point where many people's egos fire up and they react to the drunk. "But that insult that he threw at the end is his way out, his face-saver."
Oetzel says acting scared is a mistake. "Bullies prey on fear, and a drunk person who escalates a situation is a bully who's drunk. You have got to be strong without being too aggressive. You don't want to disagree with the person, but you don't want to let them know that you're afraid, either. You have to be firm without being defensive and argumentative. It's a fine line."
The end game can be deceptive, too. It's not over when the drunk walks away, says Oetzel. "It isn't over until they are completely out of your sight. Just because they walk away and sit at the other end of the bar doesn't mean it's over. You make it over by getting out of there."
Thompson agrees. "If you successfully de-escalate, get out. It's only over when you're home and safe."
Thompson teaches ordinary people how to fight effectively in a bar as part of his training course, but he wouldn't recommend it as a hobby. He says you'll be lucky these days if there's just one attacker. You'll be doubly lucky if there are no weapons used. Another whole segment of his course is on how to deal with the aftermath of a pub brawl and the legal, emotional and ongoing physical toll it leaves behind.
He says it's important to realise that sometimes there's just no way out and a physical attack happens to an innocent person.
"It's important because anyone who has been through that should not think they have done something wrong."
Drunk dickheads are sometimes just a fact of life.
- © Fairfax NZ News
Alistair Bone talks to experts about what to do if you are male and are confronted by another drunk male.
The aftermath of the attack on Jesse Ryder, if that's what it turns out to be, is still playing out in the courts. Police initially said that it was not alcohol related, which seems strange on the face of it, as it happened after midnight outside a bar where everyone involved had been a few moments before.
Notwithstanding police perceptions, it's undeniable that drunken assaults happen often, and often to innocent parties. There is a large amount of resources available to women on how to stay safe when out at night, but not so many for guys, who are usually attacked under a completely different set of circumstances.
John Oetzel is a professor at Waikato University's school of management. His job is teaching people how to deal with difficult conversations, usually in an office setting, but he also has a few tips for men who come face to face with an aggressive drunk. Phil Thompson runs Protect Self Defence and is regularly on TV telling people how to be safe.
Thompson believes most situations can be avoided. Alert people can see trouble coming a mile off. "There are a bunch of pre-contact indicators. For instance, in almost every situation, we get what you call the ‘hard stare' from someone who wants problems. The guy might be standing there, drinking and talking to his mates, and you'll see him turn and look, and look back to his beer, and then very quickly come back to you and hold that stare in place. He is now fixated on you. If it's going to be a group attack, there is usually then some group communication with the people he's with. Then there'll be a group hard stare."
Oetzel says it is easy to innocently provoke drunken violence with a look of your own. Where he grew up, in Albuquerque, New Mexico, there was a strong Hispanic and Latino influence with macho rules around eye contact. "We called staring ‘mad-dogging'. The rule was never to make sustained eye contact with other guys if you didn't want to fight. You made it briefly and then looked away."
He also says to be wary of a drunk person within your group. "You can see a drunk person escalating conflict and if you're friendly with them, you're not going to be the one they go after. But look for snide remarks from someone you don't know very well."
Thompson says the way the attackers then start acting can be telling. "As they're walking toward you, very often it will be accompanied by what we call a ‘head on a swivel'. They're looking around to see who's around and what the situation is. Usually people who are aggressive will come up on their toes and hold their weight high. They will puff out to get the basketball-under-the-arm look."
The really clever ones get out of the joint right away. But sometimes you are cornered. Oetzel says the first thing you need to confront is yourself. "It is critical that you remain calm. You can do that with deep breathing or internal self-talk: telling yourself that everything's going to be OK and you are going to walk away."
Tone of voice, he believes, is crucial. "If you raise your voice, the other person is going to continue to escalate. They are still going to continue to escalate anyway, but it will be worse if you don't remain calm and use a slow, calm voice." Smiling can be misinterpreted as smugness. "Some people can get out of it because they are very charismatic and start joking, but that can also backfire pretty easy, too."
The rules of the conversation are different with a drunk, says Oetzel. "In normal situations, a lot of what we do is around getting the other person to give you respect. But trying to convince a drunk at a bar, who's trying to pick a fight, that you're worthy of respect isn't going to work. You don't argue, you don't disagree with them, you don't tell them they're wrong, you don't try to convince them why you're right. When you have someone who's famous, sometimes people will approach them and the whole goal will be to cut them down, physically or emotionally."
The next bit can be the hardest part, especially for young Kiwi blokes out on the razz. "Accept the put-downs," says Oetzel. "If they're going to call you names, just say, yup. Give them the emotional victory and avoid violence. The idea of losing a little pride in that situation and avoiding physical violence may be hard to accept, but you're not dealing with a rational person."
Thompson, who also teaches physical self-defence and can easily look after himself if he has to, agrees. "I tell all the alpha male types on my course that it's OK to walk away. It's not about becoming a victim, it's about empowering yourself and not being a slave to your emotions, like most people are."
Thompson divides aggression into two classes. The predatory, criminal type and the more common ego-driven type usually found in pubs. The goal when dealing with the ego type is to let the other guy escape with his ego intact.
There are four basic rules. He says the first is to not challenge the person. "Returning abuse is wrong. You have to be unchallenging in what you say and with your body language. As soon as you challenge them, they can't walk away."
You can't threaten them, either. "Either overtly, if you are angry - get the hell away from me - or even by threatening to call the police."
The next rule goes against what some others teach. "You can't command them or tell them what to do. ‘Back off, get away.' " Thompson says this is OK and effective when dealing with a criminal, predatory attacker, but won't work with someone driven by ego. "You see this in a domestic situation where people are having an argument and one person tells the other to calm down. That never, ever works."
Accepting a command would damage the ego. "Better would be: Listen mate, I didn't come here for any issues with you, I really want to solve this problem, but for us to do that we both need to be calm. I'm not telling him to calm down, I'm saying it's really important that we are both calm, giving the illusion that we both have the same problem. Then you can start a dialogue."
Implying that the drunk is wrong is also a mistake. Thompson says if someone uses the time-tested approach of "you were staring at me/my missus", you have to be able to tell them they were right, but for a different reason. Thompson recently apologised to an aggressive drunk and told him that he was just tired and staring into space. The guy backed off saying, "OK, but don't f...ing look at me again." Thompson says this is the point where many people's egos fire up and they react to the drunk. "But that insult that he threw at the end is his way out, his face-saver."
Oetzel says acting scared is a mistake. "Bullies prey on fear, and a drunk person who escalates a situation is a bully who's drunk. You have got to be strong without being too aggressive. You don't want to disagree with the person, but you don't want to let them know that you're afraid, either. You have to be firm without being defensive and argumentative. It's a fine line."
The end game can be deceptive, too. It's not over when the drunk walks away, says Oetzel. "It isn't over until they are completely out of your sight. Just because they walk away and sit at the other end of the bar doesn't mean it's over. You make it over by getting out of there."
Thompson agrees. "If you successfully de-escalate, get out. It's only over when you're home and safe."
Thompson teaches ordinary people how to fight effectively in a bar as part of his training course, but he wouldn't recommend it as a hobby. He says you'll be lucky these days if there's just one attacker. You'll be doubly lucky if there are no weapons used. Another whole segment of his course is on how to deal with the aftermath of a pub brawl and the legal, emotional and ongoing physical toll it leaves behind.
He says it's important to realise that sometimes there's just no way out and a physical attack happens to an innocent person.
"It's important because anyone who has been through that should not think they have done something wrong."
Drunk dickheads are sometimes just a fact of life.
- © Fairfax NZ News
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