Below is an article by Phil Thompson which appeared in the latest TKD Talk magazine. :-)
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
What can we, as parents and caregivers, do?
The best
thing we can do as parents or caregivers to keep our kids safe from predators,
as ugly as it might seem, is acknowledge these three unpleasant truths:
1. You do not get to choose who a
predator targets; it is the predator who chooses who they target.
2. The first person who experiences any
evidence or sees any indication that a child is becoming the target of a
predator is the child themselves.
3. Every child will be “assessed” or
“scoped” by a predator at some stage.
These are
massive statements, so let me be very clear what we know as fact about the
above statements.
We know, to
protect our children, it’s vitally important that we understand these elements.
But as illustrated by a parent talking to me recently - who has been discussing
this very issue with other parents - she candidly shared with me that about
half of the parents she had talked to about this issue shut her down straight
away and made it clear that they didn’t want to talk about it. The other half
were open to talk about it. It spooks me that we all aren’t open to talk about
it. I feel it’s an important step in building the defence of our kids.
We know
that not talking about a problem and taking steps to stop a problem are two
different things.
So let’s reword these 3 initial statements to add clarity.
The first, though it needs no further explanation, is not
something we tend to think about – we are good caregivers and we are alert and
keep out senses honed for all dangers
to our kids. We make sure that they are safe all the time. Gosh, we don’t even
start driving the car until all the seatbelts are on. And that’s good and safe.
But this is different. This is not about how safe we are
being, this is about something we don’t have direct control over. We have
control over how safely we drive, we don’t have control over how safely others
drive. We’d choose our children not to be targeted by predators, but it’s not
our choice. So when a parent thinks or expresses “stuff like this happens to
other kids” – I wonder: Are you saying that as a parent or a predator? Because
as a parent, that statement is worthless and dangerous at best.
Which leads into the second point: As much as we want to protect
our kids, this danger of a predator has the added disadvantage to us of not
being able to see the danger at all - as it is purposely being hidden. Why
would the predator risk raising any alarm? You know they don’t and won’t, so there’s nothing – no act nor clue
that would be in your presence, so obviously it is the child who first
experiences what will likely be some grooming or vetting questions or
manipulative ploys or lures.
Because we don’t know who the predators are until they are
caught (and they are only caught after they do something – how much does that
suck!) then they are free in our society until then. Some are caught early,
some are caught late – meaning perhaps after years and after they have
assaulted and abused many many kids.
Your kids won’t by chance find stumble across a predator;
no, it is the predator looking for our kids. They will put themselves in
positions where they will meet many kids and they will be assessing and vetting
all who come in contact with them.
Ok, I know things sound bleak and negative, but the world we
live in has not changed since you started reading this blog. It’s exactly the
same. And the predators that existed at the start of this blog exist now. It’s
that we might be more aware of a horrible issue and some truths that live in
that issue that we’d prefer not to know.
So let’s talk solutions now. You understand this: What has
been discussed above are elements of privacy: The predator needs two things;
they need privacy, and they need control. They will establish privacy –
you know this; you know that they
will assess, choose and approach our kids under the cloak of privacy. Privacy
is something that the predator has direct influence over – and we’ve discussed
the elements of privacy. But not Control.
Control is where we can wage our defence – making sure that
the control stays with the child – that they understand and appreciate and know
that they can defend their absolute and
sovereign right to decide what they want to do. To decide what’s wrong and
what’s right and unwaveringly express and stick to their decision – and they
can unleash whatever they want if they feel that they need to. This means that
they are what we call a “hard target”. They are not impossible to control, but
most importantly, they are now too difficult and too risky to control for the
predator.
Teaching our kids about what we in Protect define as Control
- the decision a child owns and what they can do to enforce them - decreases
the balance of probability our kids are even targeted.
We teach
our kids because it’s the repercussions that are unthinkable – but this
strategy can’t be done if it’s chosen that; the risk itself, that the existence
of predators and that it is our kids that might be targeted, is unthinkable.
Darcy Mellsop
Protect Self Defence NZ
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
What are YOU looking at ?
Article from Waikato Times - 8/4/2013 Original Article HERE
Alistair Bone talks to experts about what to do if you are male and are confronted by another drunk male.
The aftermath of the attack on Jesse Ryder, if that's what it turns out to be, is still playing out in the courts. Police initially said that it was not alcohol related, which seems strange on the face of it, as it happened after midnight outside a bar where everyone involved had been a few moments before.
Notwithstanding police perceptions, it's undeniable that drunken assaults happen often, and often to innocent parties. There is a large amount of resources available to women on how to stay safe when out at night, but not so many for guys, who are usually attacked under a completely different set of circumstances.
John Oetzel is a professor at Waikato University's school of management. His job is teaching people how to deal with difficult conversations, usually in an office setting, but he also has a few tips for men who come face to face with an aggressive drunk. Phil Thompson runs Protect Self Defence and is regularly on TV telling people how to be safe.
Thompson believes most situations can be avoided. Alert people can see trouble coming a mile off. "There are a bunch of pre-contact indicators. For instance, in almost every situation, we get what you call the ‘hard stare' from someone who wants problems. The guy might be standing there, drinking and talking to his mates, and you'll see him turn and look, and look back to his beer, and then very quickly come back to you and hold that stare in place. He is now fixated on you. If it's going to be a group attack, there is usually then some group communication with the people he's with. Then there'll be a group hard stare."
Oetzel says it is easy to innocently provoke drunken violence with a look of your own. Where he grew up, in Albuquerque, New Mexico, there was a strong Hispanic and Latino influence with macho rules around eye contact. "We called staring ‘mad-dogging'. The rule was never to make sustained eye contact with other guys if you didn't want to fight. You made it briefly and then looked away."
He also says to be wary of a drunk person within your group. "You can see a drunk person escalating conflict and if you're friendly with them, you're not going to be the one they go after. But look for snide remarks from someone you don't know very well."
Thompson says the way the attackers then start acting can be telling. "As they're walking toward you, very often it will be accompanied by what we call a ‘head on a swivel'. They're looking around to see who's around and what the situation is. Usually people who are aggressive will come up on their toes and hold their weight high. They will puff out to get the basketball-under-the-arm look."
The really clever ones get out of the joint right away. But sometimes you are cornered. Oetzel says the first thing you need to confront is yourself. "It is critical that you remain calm. You can do that with deep breathing or internal self-talk: telling yourself that everything's going to be OK and you are going to walk away."
Tone of voice, he believes, is crucial. "If you raise your voice, the other person is going to continue to escalate. They are still going to continue to escalate anyway, but it will be worse if you don't remain calm and use a slow, calm voice." Smiling can be misinterpreted as smugness. "Some people can get out of it because they are very charismatic and start joking, but that can also backfire pretty easy, too."
The rules of the conversation are different with a drunk, says Oetzel. "In normal situations, a lot of what we do is around getting the other person to give you respect. But trying to convince a drunk at a bar, who's trying to pick a fight, that you're worthy of respect isn't going to work. You don't argue, you don't disagree with them, you don't tell them they're wrong, you don't try to convince them why you're right. When you have someone who's famous, sometimes people will approach them and the whole goal will be to cut them down, physically or emotionally."
The next bit can be the hardest part, especially for young Kiwi blokes out on the razz. "Accept the put-downs," says Oetzel. "If they're going to call you names, just say, yup. Give them the emotional victory and avoid violence. The idea of losing a little pride in that situation and avoiding physical violence may be hard to accept, but you're not dealing with a rational person."
Thompson, who also teaches physical self-defence and can easily look after himself if he has to, agrees. "I tell all the alpha male types on my course that it's OK to walk away. It's not about becoming a victim, it's about empowering yourself and not being a slave to your emotions, like most people are."
Thompson divides aggression into two classes. The predatory, criminal type and the more common ego-driven type usually found in pubs. The goal when dealing with the ego type is to let the other guy escape with his ego intact.
There are four basic rules. He says the first is to not challenge the person. "Returning abuse is wrong. You have to be unchallenging in what you say and with your body language. As soon as you challenge them, they can't walk away."
You can't threaten them, either. "Either overtly, if you are angry - get the hell away from me - or even by threatening to call the police."
The next rule goes against what some others teach. "You can't command them or tell them what to do. ‘Back off, get away.' " Thompson says this is OK and effective when dealing with a criminal, predatory attacker, but won't work with someone driven by ego. "You see this in a domestic situation where people are having an argument and one person tells the other to calm down. That never, ever works."
Accepting a command would damage the ego. "Better would be: Listen mate, I didn't come here for any issues with you, I really want to solve this problem, but for us to do that we both need to be calm. I'm not telling him to calm down, I'm saying it's really important that we are both calm, giving the illusion that we both have the same problem. Then you can start a dialogue."
Implying that the drunk is wrong is also a mistake. Thompson says if someone uses the time-tested approach of "you were staring at me/my missus", you have to be able to tell them they were right, but for a different reason. Thompson recently apologised to an aggressive drunk and told him that he was just tired and staring into space. The guy backed off saying, "OK, but don't f...ing look at me again." Thompson says this is the point where many people's egos fire up and they react to the drunk. "But that insult that he threw at the end is his way out, his face-saver."
Oetzel says acting scared is a mistake. "Bullies prey on fear, and a drunk person who escalates a situation is a bully who's drunk. You have got to be strong without being too aggressive. You don't want to disagree with the person, but you don't want to let them know that you're afraid, either. You have to be firm without being defensive and argumentative. It's a fine line."
The end game can be deceptive, too. It's not over when the drunk walks away, says Oetzel. "It isn't over until they are completely out of your sight. Just because they walk away and sit at the other end of the bar doesn't mean it's over. You make it over by getting out of there."
Thompson agrees. "If you successfully de-escalate, get out. It's only over when you're home and safe."
Thompson teaches ordinary people how to fight effectively in a bar as part of his training course, but he wouldn't recommend it as a hobby. He says you'll be lucky these days if there's just one attacker. You'll be doubly lucky if there are no weapons used. Another whole segment of his course is on how to deal with the aftermath of a pub brawl and the legal, emotional and ongoing physical toll it leaves behind.
He says it's important to realise that sometimes there's just no way out and a physical attack happens to an innocent person.
"It's important because anyone who has been through that should not think they have done something wrong."
Drunk dickheads are sometimes just a fact of life.
- © Fairfax NZ News
Alistair Bone talks to experts about what to do if you are male and are confronted by another drunk male.
The aftermath of the attack on Jesse Ryder, if that's what it turns out to be, is still playing out in the courts. Police initially said that it was not alcohol related, which seems strange on the face of it, as it happened after midnight outside a bar where everyone involved had been a few moments before.
Notwithstanding police perceptions, it's undeniable that drunken assaults happen often, and often to innocent parties. There is a large amount of resources available to women on how to stay safe when out at night, but not so many for guys, who are usually attacked under a completely different set of circumstances.
John Oetzel is a professor at Waikato University's school of management. His job is teaching people how to deal with difficult conversations, usually in an office setting, but he also has a few tips for men who come face to face with an aggressive drunk. Phil Thompson runs Protect Self Defence and is regularly on TV telling people how to be safe.
Thompson believes most situations can be avoided. Alert people can see trouble coming a mile off. "There are a bunch of pre-contact indicators. For instance, in almost every situation, we get what you call the ‘hard stare' from someone who wants problems. The guy might be standing there, drinking and talking to his mates, and you'll see him turn and look, and look back to his beer, and then very quickly come back to you and hold that stare in place. He is now fixated on you. If it's going to be a group attack, there is usually then some group communication with the people he's with. Then there'll be a group hard stare."
Oetzel says it is easy to innocently provoke drunken violence with a look of your own. Where he grew up, in Albuquerque, New Mexico, there was a strong Hispanic and Latino influence with macho rules around eye contact. "We called staring ‘mad-dogging'. The rule was never to make sustained eye contact with other guys if you didn't want to fight. You made it briefly and then looked away."
He also says to be wary of a drunk person within your group. "You can see a drunk person escalating conflict and if you're friendly with them, you're not going to be the one they go after. But look for snide remarks from someone you don't know very well."
Thompson says the way the attackers then start acting can be telling. "As they're walking toward you, very often it will be accompanied by what we call a ‘head on a swivel'. They're looking around to see who's around and what the situation is. Usually people who are aggressive will come up on their toes and hold their weight high. They will puff out to get the basketball-under-the-arm look."
The really clever ones get out of the joint right away. But sometimes you are cornered. Oetzel says the first thing you need to confront is yourself. "It is critical that you remain calm. You can do that with deep breathing or internal self-talk: telling yourself that everything's going to be OK and you are going to walk away."
Tone of voice, he believes, is crucial. "If you raise your voice, the other person is going to continue to escalate. They are still going to continue to escalate anyway, but it will be worse if you don't remain calm and use a slow, calm voice." Smiling can be misinterpreted as smugness. "Some people can get out of it because they are very charismatic and start joking, but that can also backfire pretty easy, too."
The rules of the conversation are different with a drunk, says Oetzel. "In normal situations, a lot of what we do is around getting the other person to give you respect. But trying to convince a drunk at a bar, who's trying to pick a fight, that you're worthy of respect isn't going to work. You don't argue, you don't disagree with them, you don't tell them they're wrong, you don't try to convince them why you're right. When you have someone who's famous, sometimes people will approach them and the whole goal will be to cut them down, physically or emotionally."
The next bit can be the hardest part, especially for young Kiwi blokes out on the razz. "Accept the put-downs," says Oetzel. "If they're going to call you names, just say, yup. Give them the emotional victory and avoid violence. The idea of losing a little pride in that situation and avoiding physical violence may be hard to accept, but you're not dealing with a rational person."
Thompson, who also teaches physical self-defence and can easily look after himself if he has to, agrees. "I tell all the alpha male types on my course that it's OK to walk away. It's not about becoming a victim, it's about empowering yourself and not being a slave to your emotions, like most people are."
Thompson divides aggression into two classes. The predatory, criminal type and the more common ego-driven type usually found in pubs. The goal when dealing with the ego type is to let the other guy escape with his ego intact.
There are four basic rules. He says the first is to not challenge the person. "Returning abuse is wrong. You have to be unchallenging in what you say and with your body language. As soon as you challenge them, they can't walk away."
You can't threaten them, either. "Either overtly, if you are angry - get the hell away from me - or even by threatening to call the police."
The next rule goes against what some others teach. "You can't command them or tell them what to do. ‘Back off, get away.' " Thompson says this is OK and effective when dealing with a criminal, predatory attacker, but won't work with someone driven by ego. "You see this in a domestic situation where people are having an argument and one person tells the other to calm down. That never, ever works."
Accepting a command would damage the ego. "Better would be: Listen mate, I didn't come here for any issues with you, I really want to solve this problem, but for us to do that we both need to be calm. I'm not telling him to calm down, I'm saying it's really important that we are both calm, giving the illusion that we both have the same problem. Then you can start a dialogue."
Implying that the drunk is wrong is also a mistake. Thompson says if someone uses the time-tested approach of "you were staring at me/my missus", you have to be able to tell them they were right, but for a different reason. Thompson recently apologised to an aggressive drunk and told him that he was just tired and staring into space. The guy backed off saying, "OK, but don't f...ing look at me again." Thompson says this is the point where many people's egos fire up and they react to the drunk. "But that insult that he threw at the end is his way out, his face-saver."
Oetzel says acting scared is a mistake. "Bullies prey on fear, and a drunk person who escalates a situation is a bully who's drunk. You have got to be strong without being too aggressive. You don't want to disagree with the person, but you don't want to let them know that you're afraid, either. You have to be firm without being defensive and argumentative. It's a fine line."
The end game can be deceptive, too. It's not over when the drunk walks away, says Oetzel. "It isn't over until they are completely out of your sight. Just because they walk away and sit at the other end of the bar doesn't mean it's over. You make it over by getting out of there."
Thompson agrees. "If you successfully de-escalate, get out. It's only over when you're home and safe."
Thompson teaches ordinary people how to fight effectively in a bar as part of his training course, but he wouldn't recommend it as a hobby. He says you'll be lucky these days if there's just one attacker. You'll be doubly lucky if there are no weapons used. Another whole segment of his course is on how to deal with the aftermath of a pub brawl and the legal, emotional and ongoing physical toll it leaves behind.
He says it's important to realise that sometimes there's just no way out and a physical attack happens to an innocent person.
"It's important because anyone who has been through that should not think they have done something wrong."
Drunk dickheads are sometimes just a fact of life.
- © Fairfax NZ News
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
"Stranger Danger" and other myths...
Here is our latest article published in Blitz magazine. Enjoy!
"Empower Your Kids to be Safe...for Life" available in New Zealand HERE
Sunday, July 22, 2012
New Accredited Trainers in the South Island!
A HUGE welcome to the new Protect Accredited Trainers from Nelson and Christchurch!
From left: Aaron Williams (Nelson ITF), Craig Oliver (Pulse Taekwon-Do), Angela Oliver (Pulse Taekwon-Do), Luke Jackson (Pulse Taekwon-Do), Kris Herbison (Riccarton Taekwon-Do), Tomonori Shibata (Riccarton Taekwon-Do), Damon Stewart (Pulse Taekwon-Do).
Welcome to the program team!
For ful list of Accredited Trainers in NZ go the the Protect Group Classes website HERE
From left: Aaron Williams (Nelson ITF), Craig Oliver (Pulse Taekwon-Do), Angela Oliver (Pulse Taekwon-Do), Luke Jackson (Pulse Taekwon-Do), Kris Herbison (Riccarton Taekwon-Do), Tomonori Shibata (Riccarton Taekwon-Do), Damon Stewart (Pulse Taekwon-Do).
Welcome to the program team!
For ful list of Accredited Trainers in NZ go the the Protect Group Classes website HERE
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Column 48 – Home sweet home
You should feel safe at home. We’ve all had
that feeling where for a fleeting fear-belted moment that there might be
someone else in our homes: uninvited and sinister.
I recently read about a man who had that
feeling and he then searched his house. He didn’t find anyone and went to bed.
He later awoke when he heard unfamiliar breathing - which was coming from a
stranger standing next to his bed. What unfolded in the home invasion was a
robbery at knifepoint. I know nice, and that’s not it.
If he searched his house, why didn’t he find
the person? Because fear changes the way we feel about something: he wasn’t
searching the house with the intent to find someone, because of fear - he was
searching the house to not to find someone. There is a massive difference
between the two.
Your house, your home, whether you rent or own,
is your domain. Understanding this is
the basis for making great decisions to keep yourself safe. It means a number
of things, and as one example; I experienced only a few nights ago, a knock at
my door at about 9pm at night – it’s up to me-
only I, whether I open the door or not.
If you are reading this in your home – look
around your home now and know that this is your domain. Strengthen your
mindset, say to yourself: I don’t fear anyone in my home half as much as anyone
sinister should fear being in my home with me and my family.
Darcy Mellsop
Protect Self Defence NZ
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
New Protect Accredited Trainers in NZ!
I am very proud, excited, (and a little bit chuffed) to welcome the new Protect Accredited Trainers (Level 1) from throughout NZ.
From the Northern Region:
Pacific Sun Taekwondo
Mr Dion McCracken - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Chris Dick - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Sam Butturini - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Tactical Krav Maga Northland
Mr Scott Manwaring - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Choong Mu TaekwonDo
Mr Dean Baker- Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Hwarang-Do Whangaroa
Mr Roman Scholl-Latour - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mrs Seida Scholl-Latour - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Karl Finlayson - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
From the Auckland/Midlands region:
Tamaki Mt Wellington Taekwon-Do Academy
Ms Thu Nguyen - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Bjarne Morris - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Angad Nayyar - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Ms Chanthie Thach - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Paul M Taekwon-Do Papakura
Master Paul McPhail - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Ms Debbie Hart - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Paul M Glendowie (Taekwon-Do)
Mr Mark Banicevich - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Ryan Van Heerden - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Ms Minette Steyn - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Richard Forder - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Hwa Rang Academy - Otumoetai
Ms Christine Young - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Ms Sandy Tippet - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Brendan Doogan - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
It is fantastic to have these dedicated people on board and helping to empower people with the Protect education.
For information on the Accreditation program click the logo below to get in touch with us! Cheers. Phil
From the Northern Region:
Pacific Sun Taekwondo
Mr Dion McCracken - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Chris Dick - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Sam Butturini - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Tactical Krav Maga Northland
Mr Scott Manwaring - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Choong Mu TaekwonDo
Mr Dean Baker- Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Hwarang-Do Whangaroa
Mr Roman Scholl-Latour - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mrs Seida Scholl-Latour - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Karl Finlayson - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
From the Auckland/Midlands region:
Tamaki Mt Wellington Taekwon-Do Academy
Ms Thu Nguyen - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Bjarne Morris - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Angad Nayyar - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Ms Chanthie Thach - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Paul M Taekwon-Do Papakura
Master Paul McPhail - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Ms Debbie Hart - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Paul M Glendowie (Taekwon-Do)
Mr Mark Banicevich - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Ryan Van Heerden - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Ms Minette Steyn - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Richard Forder - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Hwa Rang Academy - Otumoetai
Ms Christine Young - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Ms Sandy Tippet - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
Mr Brendan Doogan - Accredited Trainer (Level 1)
It is fantastic to have these dedicated people on board and helping to empower people with the Protect education.
For information on the Accreditation program click the logo below to get in touch with us! Cheers. Phil
Mystery...
Ok, so how does this...
And then this...
Result in this?:
Only at Protect..! (Phil Thompson receiving the love from Advanced Self Defence Newcastle's Corey Hawes at a recent Auckland seminar to the Kyokushin Karate National camp attendees)
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