Column 41 – "Reading violence"

Self defence is about being able to interpret, understand and protect ourselves from violence.

For too many, violence is used as their medium of communication. Like not being able to speak French we'd struggle in France; not understanding violence means that we'd miss vital pre-incident indicators that are present in all situations that lead to physical violence. Only when we understand violence can we see and comprehend the early warning signs.

You can detect what you have been trained to see. It's about knowing what is about to happen and being able to pre-empt it. Anyone can learn this language. Knowing it doesn't make you more violent. Without knowing how to interpret violence and the pre-cursors of violence, we can't accurately predict intentions of predators, which means that we can't act appropriately to stop it, either with the appropriate verbal or physical response.

So let me give you some insight now. If a predator is trying to change the environment: coerce you to go somewhere, physically drag you somewhere, or establish privacy such as shutting your curtains, these acts provide massive insight into their intentions. What is their intent? To take material items from you or is it to do with your being, such as physical or sexual assault? It's far likely to be the latter. When you can detect intent (prior to the physical violence) would that fuel your response? Of course. A honed response helps, blanket hope counts for nothing. This is just one aspect, but: never ever let the environment change.


Darcy Mellsop
Protect Self Defence NZ

Hello. Remember the first day we met?

This is a post for the ladies. It is not designed as a scare tactic, instead it is designed to inspire thought on many different behavioural aspects of predatory behaviour...
From 'Safe For Life'...

Hello.

Remember the first day we met?

I do. I knew we were meant to be together from the moment I layed eyes on you.

The world has become quite small since we’ve met. By sheer luck we had shared one friend and now I share most of your friends and know quite a few family members too. I know your family secrets, pets, habits and fears. You’ve come to depend on me. I listen to you. I sympathize with you when your heart is broken.

I make you laugh when I see you’re about to cry. You’ve come to depend on me. I do favors for you and soon you will be doing favors for me. You owe me. I spend most of my time thinking of you and seeing to your every need. One day it will be my turn. You better be ready. I haven’t done all this for nothing you know. I could go elsewhere but I’ve chosen you. You were nothing before me and have grown into a better person because of me. But you already know that don’t you?

I see the way you’ve been looking at me lately. You’ve been teasing me with those long looks of yours. I see through your facade of playing hard to get. You want me so bad it almost makes you look cheap the way you throw yourself at my feet. I know your little jealousy game. You’re such a child. You think I don’t see through you. I know you want to make me jealous when you speak with those other men whom you call co-workers and friends. It’s not working. You merely look like a stupid little schoolgirl.

You deserve to be treated as such. You’re a slut. A schoolgirl slut who deserves what she’s gonna get coming to her!


Actions speak louder than words.

Listen to your intuition; it is in direct result to something, which you may or may not be consciously aware of in the moment...

'Every Woman's guide to Being Safe...For Life' available at Whitcoulls or Amazon.com

Latest Column from Darcy Mellsop - "See no evil"

"See no evil"

I was recently reading about Piha residents who have launched a campaign to remove a convicted child sex offender from their midst.

It reminded me of the same sort of incident in Kapiti recently where it was discovered that a convicted sex offender was living close to a school. I contacted the school to offer a session for the parents on what we could do to keep our kids safe, but it didn’t happen because the sex offender moved on. I didn’t contact the school for that one sex offender, I contacted the school about all the sex offenders that potentially lived near by. Commonly it’s the case of, if the known offender has moved, it’s all safe now. Those in the know, know that it’s not the case at all. There is some saying about an ostrich having its head in the sand, but I can’t remember it right now, but I’m sure you know it.

I could spend hours writing this column, but it’s important that I make this point.

I know that to many that this might sound like I’m trying to sell courses, but it’s actually about Avoidance. The key to Avoidance is consciously recognising a threat and taking effect action to avoid it.

Obviously, denial is not an effective strategy – though a much chosen strategy. It’s very quick and very easy. Job done.

Thinking that we are safe when the sex offender moves on is denial. You know the saying “I’ll believe it when I see it” well, when it comes to the protection of our kids, when it’s about things we wouldn’t do ourselves and therefore aren’t familiar with the strategies of sex offenders, it’s more like “I’ll see it when I believe it”. When you and your kids know what to look for, then you have a better chance of seeing it if it is present.

We know that we might be in a car accident, so we put on our seatbelts. Because we know that it’s possible to be in a car accident, we see things on the road that worry us – people cutting through late orange or red lights, not following the road code when giving way, aggressive drivers, those that follow to close behind, and so on. We see these threats as we know, we clearly know that they elevate the chance of a very real accident happening. That’s not denial. Also, knowing this doesn’t stop us from driving. But our acceptance of the possibility means that we can change the balance of possibility of being involved in an accident. We see a threat, and usually give a very wide berth.

Alternatively being completely unaware increases the likelihood of being in an accident – or even causing one and not knowing it.

So let’s use our energy correctly. Let’s be real so we can see reality. Let’s appreciate that most people are good, but there are many (plural) around that are dangerous.

Do not confuse the energy used to chase out of town a single convicted sex offender with the energy that is used to arm our kids with the tools to indentify when they are being scoped by any sex offender. Those energies are mutually exclusive – the former deals with perhaps an element – if they are not reformed, the latter focuses on the reality – those not yet caught.