Latest Column from Darcy Mellsop - "See no evil"

"See no evil"

I was recently reading about Piha residents who have launched a campaign to remove a convicted child sex offender from their midst.

It reminded me of the same sort of incident in Kapiti recently where it was discovered that a convicted sex offender was living close to a school. I contacted the school to offer a session for the parents on what we could do to keep our kids safe, but it didn’t happen because the sex offender moved on. I didn’t contact the school for that one sex offender, I contacted the school about all the sex offenders that potentially lived near by. Commonly it’s the case of, if the known offender has moved, it’s all safe now. Those in the know, know that it’s not the case at all. There is some saying about an ostrich having its head in the sand, but I can’t remember it right now, but I’m sure you know it.

I could spend hours writing this column, but it’s important that I make this point.

I know that to many that this might sound like I’m trying to sell courses, but it’s actually about Avoidance. The key to Avoidance is consciously recognising a threat and taking effect action to avoid it.

Obviously, denial is not an effective strategy – though a much chosen strategy. It’s very quick and very easy. Job done.

Thinking that we are safe when the sex offender moves on is denial. You know the saying “I’ll believe it when I see it” well, when it comes to the protection of our kids, when it’s about things we wouldn’t do ourselves and therefore aren’t familiar with the strategies of sex offenders, it’s more like “I’ll see it when I believe it”. When you and your kids know what to look for, then you have a better chance of seeing it if it is present.

We know that we might be in a car accident, so we put on our seatbelts. Because we know that it’s possible to be in a car accident, we see things on the road that worry us – people cutting through late orange or red lights, not following the road code when giving way, aggressive drivers, those that follow to close behind, and so on. We see these threats as we know, we clearly know that they elevate the chance of a very real accident happening. That’s not denial. Also, knowing this doesn’t stop us from driving. But our acceptance of the possibility means that we can change the balance of possibility of being involved in an accident. We see a threat, and usually give a very wide berth.

Alternatively being completely unaware increases the likelihood of being in an accident – or even causing one and not knowing it.

So let’s use our energy correctly. Let’s be real so we can see reality. Let’s appreciate that most people are good, but there are many (plural) around that are dangerous.

Do not confuse the energy used to chase out of town a single convicted sex offender with the energy that is used to arm our kids with the tools to indentify when they are being scoped by any sex offender. Those energies are mutually exclusive – the former deals with perhaps an element – if they are not reformed, the latter focuses on the reality – those not yet caught.

Schoolgirl attack warning

This article appeared in the Herald On Sunday (3/7/11, italics are mine, see below the article for my comments):

A 17-year-old girl attacked by a sexual predator while walking home from school is warning other students about the dangers of wearing iPods.

The teen is one of two St Mary's College, Auckland, students grabbed by strangers while walking to and from school. The second was barely a week ago.

Both were listening to iPods via earpieces at the time and did not hear the men behind them.

The 17-year-old, who did not want to be identified, warned others to turn down the volume on iPods or to wear only one earpiece so they were alerted to potential danger.

"It's something nobody ever talks about. People from age 12 to my age think they're invincible," she said.

In March the teen was on Hamilton Rd, five minutes from home, when a man came up behind her and "tried to grab me and drag me into a driveway", she said.

"I got such a fright. I screamed and shoved him and told him to f*** off."

The man - whom she described as stocky and of Pacific Island or Filipino origin in his 20s - then took off.

On June 23, a 12-year-old girl from the same school fought off a man's advances with a kick to the groin.

She was walking along Douglas St in Ponsonby when the man came up behind her, made lewd suggestions and grabbed her arm.

Police described the man as in his 40s with long silver or grey hair and with an orange hue to his skin.

St Mary's College principal Sandy Pasley said students and parents needed to be aware of the dangers of wearing iPods, especially when walking alone.

Following the second incident, she sent a newsletter to parents warning them about the dangers and encouraged students to walk in groups if possible.

Both of the girls in these recent attacks did very well once they were confronted. Awesome in fact!

The reason this article bothered me though was this statement:

The 17-year-old, who did not want to be identified, warned others to turn down the volume on iPods or to wear only one earpiece so they were alerted to potential danger.

"It's something nobody ever talks about. People from age 12 to my age think they're invincible," she said.

Why did this bother me? Because I am saddened that this attack could potentially have been avoided if their situational awareness had not been restricted due to the ipod's blaring in their ears. And the fact is WE DO TALK ABOUT THIS! A LOT! It is a part of the safety discussions we do at every school we work with, and many other courses too. We have writtern articles about it, commented on the issue for media and many others. And not just Ipods, but drink spiking, texting, technology safety, taxi safety, getting followed, and many other safety strategies which make up just a part of the 'recognition and awareness' phase of our school courses.

The problem is that not enough schools are taking the proactive action to get us in there to teach their kids to be safe. And that bothers me. So many times girls have been attacked, sometimes with horrendous consequences, and the opinion of many is "It's terrible, but there is nothing anyone could have done to prevent it". And that is pure apathy, and is completely ignorant. Most of these situations can be avoided (not all, but most) and that is what we teach people to do. So to hear a 17 year old girl say that nobody ever talks about this stuff, after she has been put through a terrifying situation that could have been avoided is really sad to me.

We are here for any school who needs us, but they have to take the action to get us there. I really hope this changes soon, there are many attacks such as this one, and date rapes, acquaintance rapes, stranger rapes, sexual assaults, drug rapes, and many other situations (1 in 4 kiwi girls are sexually assaulted before the age of 16) which we can help avoid with the school's help.

If you have children at school, please send them our details and insist that they run one of our safety programs for their kids. These are life skills which are no longer a 'nice-to-have', they are a necessity.

New book launched!

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'Power Up Your Kids' latest article from Darcy Mellsop

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Keeping our kids safe...

Every parent is concerned about the safety of their children. In a society where 1 in 4 girls, and 1 in 8 boys will be sexually assaulted before the age of 16 it is worth getting some education around how to keep them safe.
Yesterday I had a discussion with a parent who asked me what 'moves' (referring to physical self defence) were the best to teach his two young children. I told him they were the least important aspect of personal safety for kids (albeit still important) and asked him if he was teaching them what to look out for so they could identify and avoid potential predators to start with. His reply was along the lines of "No, I just want to teach them what to do if a stranger grabs them. I tell them to stay away from strangers and all that of course".
This is the all-too-common type of response I hear from parents, and was one of the key reasons we developed our 'Guardian Angel' program, so let me challenge a couple of old beliefs here. Obviously this is a broad subject so I will just discuss a couple of key points here today.

The world is changing so rapidly with new technology, new laws and new societal forces that it is a constant challenge for parents and caregivers to teach their children to stay safe from harm.

Our efforts as a society to prevent crimes against children have not been able to keep up with the increasing levels of risk and vulnerability of our children.
The age old mantra of “Stranger Danger” which has become so ingrained in our psyches as the answer to teaching children to be safe is outdated and no longer relevant on its own. We need to move ahead with the times and adapt to the changing world around us if we are to best protect our kids.

So many crimes against children are preventable. In hindsight, so many parent’s of child victims look back and say “If only she’d known what to look for…”, “If only he hadn’t gone with him…”, “If only she’d talked to us about this, we could have caught it before it got out of hand…” etc, etc…

Prevention is about education. And the education must be specific and relevant to our New Zealand society today.

One of the most important aspects to child safety is open and honest communication between yourself and your child. Children who do not feel that they are listened to or understood at home are far more vulnerable to the exploitation of child predators. Remember, the predator is always looking for perceived ‘easy prey’. Low self confidence, low self esteem, low self beliefs, and a feeling of loneliness and isolation are all perfect tools for the child predator to use to their advantage.
This is also why we are such big advocates of martial arts for children. A good martial art instils confidence and positive self-beliefs in the child, automatically making them a “harder target”.

A home environment which makes your child feel confident and comfortable to discuss any matters, including sensitive ones, without fear of judgment or embarrassment is the first step, and one of the most powerful steps, in keeping your child safe.
The sad reality is children are too often afraid, embarrassed or confused to discuss or report their fears, situations and experiences.

As more and more crimes against children are reported by the media, and talked about in our social circles, we are in danger of building a paranoia around keeping our kids safe. This is not the answer either. There is a huge difference between paranoia and awareness. Living in paranoia is no way to live life, and can make us take things to extremes forcing an already rebellious teenager for example, to do just the opposite of what we want.

Awareness is about discussing openly the safety strategies and rules in a positive and reassuring way, as opposed to instilling fear into your child about all of the nasty things that could happen to them if they don’t follow the safety rules.
Kids need to be empowered with positive messages and safety skills that will build their self esteem and self confidence while helping to keep them safer. Kids don’t need to be told the world is a scary place. They watch the news, hear adults talking, and may even experience violence firsthand so they are well aware of that already. Rather, they need to know that their parent or caregiver is there for them if they are in trouble and have it reinforced that most adults they encounter in their lives are generally good people who would not hurt a child.

Part of the process of ensuring that home is always a ‘safe haven’ for your child in addition to open communication, is to absolutely ensure that if you impose a punishment upon your child for misbehaviour, that punishment should never place your child in danger in any way.
We recently read a case file of a young girl who went out for a night with her friends, and arrived home after her curfew time. As this was not the first time she had done it, her mother decided to teach her a lesson and lock her out of the house. Too afraid of her mother’s wrath to knock on the door, she headed for a friend's house. A man approached her, manipulated her into conversation with him, 'sympathetically' listened to her situation and in doing so gained her trust…
He then abducted her, repeatedly raped, and murdered her.
The actions of her mother, fed up and looking to send a clear message to her daughter by denying her the safety and refuge of her own home, indirectly resulted in her death. A punishment should never place a child in danger.

So what about “Stranger Danger”? We’ve all grown up with it. We’ve all been told to “Stay away from strangers”. And this message/concept may have served us well, but it is now redundant and needs updating urgently.
This is a big call.
The unfortunate reality is most cases of child abduction/exploitation (well over 80%)are committed by someone known to the child, and maybe not known to the parent. The offender does not fit the “Stranger” role so therefore the child’s awareness/guard is down.
Often a child predator will make seemingly innocent contact with the child. They use subtle tactics and manipulation to gain the confidence of their victim, befriend them and lower their guard, again removing the “Stranger” label.
It is important that children and parents understand the types of situations, tactics, and approaches used by these people.

It is far more important to teach children to be aware of certain types of situations than certain types of people. That is the concept at the core of 'Guardian Angel'.

When describing the “Stranger Danger” concept to children, parents often promote visions of “dodgy”, “sleazy”, “dirty” looking men. This typecast labelling is very dangerous. Many times the predator does not fit any of these profiles. They are the everyday “normal” looking person, the neighbour, the teacher, the friend’s parent. Typecasting dangerous people promotes a narrow view and leaves the child open to all of the unexpected possibilities. It is the situation or action that the child should be aware of, regardless of who the person is. Besides, as adults we have the benefit of experience and honed decision making skills that we have acquired over our lifetime to identify dangerous people, and we still often get it wrong. So how do we expect our kids to be able to identify “bad” people when we can’t even do it?

Also keep in mind that if your child needs help, the “never talk to strangers” message in isolation effectively eliminates a key source of help for your child if they are in trouble. They just need to know who to get help from if they need it.
Parents and children need to know what the common approaches of a child predator are. For example, an adult pulling over their car to ask the child for help with directions, lost puppy, etc. Adults should not have to ask kids for help. Kids can ask kids for help. Adults should ask adults for help.

As our children are bought up to be polite, to respect their elders and obey the orders of adults, it is important to let them know that in these situations it is ok to say “no” to an adult. Their personal safety is always more important than being polite.

All common situations, setups, manipulations should be discussed with your child in a positive, clear, calm and reassuring way. This is far more important and effective than teaching them to look out for a particular image or profile of a “Stranger”.
Kids should view safety strategies as positive, and even fun (in a serious way). They don’t need to be frightened into thinking the world is a big scary place full of people who want to hurt them, they get enough of that from the media every day. They need to know that they have you there whenever they need you, and that most adults they encounter are good people, the safety rules are there just in case…

Here are a few things you can do to help prevent possible exploitation or abduction situations:

- Teach your children to recognise potentially dangerous situations and teach them that it is ok to say “no” to an adult.

- There really is more safety in numbers. Teach your child to always go places with a friend if possible. This is a major, key point.

- Teach them to know the difference between “good touches” and “Bad touches”. Any touch in a place where a bathing suit would normally cover is a bad touch, as are any which make them feel frightened, confused, uneasy, uncomfortable or “funny”. They should know it is ok to say no and to tell you immediately if someone does try to touch them in this way.

- Checking first with you before going anywhere, or doing anything new should be promoted as a healthy and positive part of your household routine with your child. This is a major point and can not be emphasized enough. The way you promote this concept to your child to ensure they “buy in” to it is vital, they need to see that it is always in their best interests and they have your full support.

- Know your child’s friends, and their parents, and have up-to-date contact lists for them all. Knowing where your children are and who they are with is important. Through open communication this can be done without seeming “controlling” or “invasive”.

- Be aware of anyone who is giving inappropriate or expensive gifts to your child, or paying them an unusual amount of attention.

- Pay attention to changes in your child’s behaviour and be prepared to sit down and discuss what the issues are with them when they occur. These are often a call for help and should be treated sensitively but seriously.

- Be empathetic and supportive to your child’s worries and fears, listen to them carefully and help guide them to find a solution together.

- Teach your children to trust their intuition and feelings and let them know that if it feels wrong it definitely is and they have the right to say no.

- Be diligent of anyone who is in a position of care for your child. Babysitters, sports coaches, tutors etc. References from people you trust are a great place to start. Be extra diligent if the situation requires that your child be left alone with the individual in privacy.

Obviously I have only covered a few of the key points on child safety in this article. There is a lot more to it, but these points are a good start and something worth thinking about.